


my name is john

by DearTheodosia (DapperMuffin)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alex is a good friend, Blood, Blood and Violence, Coming Out, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Homophobic Language, M/M, Misgendering, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Not John tho, Panic Attacks, Teen Pregnancy, Trans John Laurens, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:40:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27498127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DapperMuffin/pseuds/DearTheodosia
Summary: John thinks it'll all be so much easier after he comes out, but his problems don't stop there.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Angelica Schuyler & Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler & Margaret "Peggy" Schuyler, John Laurens & Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette, John Laurens & Thomas Jefferson
Comments: 11
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i did a Bad im posting this when i havent finished writing this fic but! bUT! i have a vague outline so,,,, so that makes up for it right,,,
> 
> im kinda nervous to post this but ive had it in my drafts for so long i figure i should give it a chance,,,, this might flow a little weird cause it was a bulletfic originally, before i turned it into a Fic fic, so hopefully it's alright like this
> 
> all the tags apply to this chapter!! take care please,,  
> tw: f slur, t slur, brief misgendering and deadnaming, general homophobia and transphobia, blood, violence but its ok cause its transphobes being beaten up (im kidding please dont do that), implied underage sex
> 
> i promise this is not as fuckin sad as it sounds well it,,, it is,,, but it gets better???

It was late when the doorbell rings. Past ten PM, when Alex checked the time. Who could be visiting at such a late hour?

He opened the door to see none other than Jacqueline Laurens, and he relaxed. His best friend is welcome at any time, no matter how late.

"Hey, Jackie, what's up?" Alex asked. He ran a hand through his hair, which he knew was disheveled.

"I need to talk to you." Jackie sounded worried. "Can I come in?"

"Of course." Alex didn't know what this was about but let her come in and closed the door behind her.

They settled on couches opposite each other across the coffee table, and Jackie looked distinctly uncomfortable as she squirmed.

"I need to tell you something important," she said. "But you need to promise not to tell anyone."

Alex's brows furrowed. "I promise. This stays between us."

"Okay." Jackie took a few deep breaths, and Alex waited patiently. "I think I'm trans," she finally blurted.

Alex's forehead uncreased. "You're a guy?"

"Yeah."

That wasn’t what he'd expected, but Alex could adapt to this without much effort. "What do you want me to refer to you by? Name, pronouns...?"

His friend exhaled like a great weight had been lifted from their shoulders. "He/him. Uh, I was looking at some names, and... this might not stick, but... I made a lot of lists, and one name showed up on most of them. I dunno. I'm trying it out."

"What's the name?" Alex prompts, a little exasperated, and his friend laughed self-consciously.

"Sorry. It's, um, it's... it's John?" He didn't sound sure of himself at all, and Alex couldn't let that be.

"It's perfect," he grinned.

"What?"

"No, it's _perfect._ It really suits you, somehow. In a way I can't explain," Alex added, knowing John was about to ask him to explain. "John, huh?"

John's eyes widened, and Alex chuckled. "Yeah," breathed John, as though nobody had ever called him that before. "You're the first person I told." Well, apparently this _was_ the first time anyone had called him John.

"Really?" Alex was oddly touched, in a way.

"Yeah."

"Well, I'm happy you trust me, John," Alex said, and John returned his smile with a small one of his own. Wait, was he... was he crying?

Alex stood abruptly, maneuvering around the coffee table so he could be close enough to comfort John. He wrapped his arms around John, and John sniffled into Alex's shoulder.

John pulled back slightly without breaking the hug and looked around as if realizing something for the first time. "Did... are you drunk?" he asked. "Come to think of it, you look like you've had someone over recently." His eyes narrowed.

Alex smoothed his hair. "She left half an hour before you got here. Good thing, it would've been awkward if you'd come while she was still here. And no, I'm not drunk, but... maybe she was. A little."

John's eyes widened. "Alex!" he hissed. "Either she was underage drinking, or you're regularly sticking your tongue in an adult woman's mouth!"

Alex looked slightly disheartened, and John felt validated in his concern.

"She's a minor. She stole some wine from her uncle."

Alex had a bad habit of inviting people over to make out with him on his couch. From what little John could discern (Alex didn't talk much about his romantic escapades), Alex had a few regulars. On the one hand, at least it wasn't complete strangers he'd met at a bar, but John hoped they'd all been tested for STDs because surely Alex wasn't dumb enough to risk it. (He was dumb enough to do many things, but that couldn't be one of them.)

John just... thought Alex should have been enjoying the single life a little less.

~~But at least it meant Alex can't get a partner.~~

* * *

John told his sister Martha as soon as he got home from Alex's apartment, and he couldn't really read her expression, but it was somehow very open.

"I've always wanted an older brother," she said with a bit of a laugh and a hug, and John was immensely grateful for the support of two of the people who meant the most to him.

* * *

John was restless for the rest of the week. He had to tell the rest of his friends, although he had no idea how or when. In the end, he invited them all over to his house, and Lafayette, Hercules, and Alex all immediately claimed spots on John's couch.

"What is this about?" Lafayette looked at him expectantly.

"We're waiting for one more," John said, checking his watch.

Just then, Eliza burst in. "I'm so sorry I'm late! There was traffic, you know how it is." John smiled at her, grateful she'd come at all.

"Now, everyone quiet down, I think he has something to say." Alex winked, and John was hit with conflicting feelings. Alex had said _he,_ so John couldn't back out of this anymore. The first of the conflicting emotions was _oh my god why did you do that_ (aka panic), the second one was _well I guess I needed to get their attention somehow anyway, better him than me_ (begrudging appreciation), and the third one is just... screaming. John wasn't sure which emotion that was. It could honestly have been anything.

"Uh, yes." Everyone had their eyes on John, and he cleared his throat. "I... well, I'm a boy." That wasn't the most eloquent way he could have said that but it got his point across and it was quick.

"You're trans?" Hercules asked, and from his face, John gathered that he'd genuinely had no idea.

"Yeah," John said. He was relieved none of his friends seemed bothered by his confession.

"We should call you he/him, then?" Lafayette asked with interest, and John nodded.

"Hey," Alex interjected. "What's your name?" he asked pointedly, and John realized he hadn't yet told them.

"Oh, I'm John," he said. If his confession to Alex over the weekend hadn't gone as well as it had, John might not have decided to come out at all, but as it was, he was endlessly grateful to Alex.

Lafayette and Hercules cheered and muttered various things about how it was a good name, it suited him, and John smiled back at Alex. Despite the setbacks, it had gone well.

Eliza approached John once Hercules, Lafayette, and Alex were suitably distracted by the artwork on John's wall. Most of it was new since they'd last been here. "I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me. Since my sisters very obviously aren't here."

"I'll tell them eventually," John said. "Hopefully soon. I just..." He sighed. "You kinda... remind me of my mom?" he added, much more quietly. That was kind of a weird thing to say, he knew it was, but he had to say it.

Eliza's face brightened. "Wow, that's... that's a very high compliment," she said.

"Don't let this change anything between us?" John said.

"Of course it won't," Eliza chuckled. She checked her phone. "I've actually got to go, John, thank you for inviting me over!" She hugged him before rushing out the door again, and John was left for a moment with a warm, fuzzy feeling before Hercules dragged him over to make him explain one of his sketches.

Over the course of the next few weeks, the entire high school slowly found out about _John._ He wan't doing much coming out himself, so it passed mostly through word of mouth every time one of his friends corrected someone who misgendered him. In truth, John didn't know what he'd do without his friends.

* * *

"I'm dating Eliza now."

With those four words, it was like John's entire world came crashing down around him. He vaguely heard Lafayette say, "Congratulations," echoed it himself so it seemed like nothing was wrong. Alex was never _his,_ so why was he so bothered by the realization?

"Dude, good for you!" Hercules playfully punched Alex's shoulder, and Alex rubbed at his arm. "I think she really likes you."

"Yeah..." Alex seemed happy, and John hated himself for being upset. Alex liked Eliza, Eliza liked him back, shouldn't that be enough? Shouldn't John want to see his best friend happy?

At the expense of his own happiness...?

Eliza kissed Alex's cheek, and John squeezed his eyes shut.

"John?" Lafayette asked, and John glanced up at him. "Ça va bien?"

John shook his head. "I'm going to the bathroom." He could hardly see through the tears, but he couldn't spend another second there.

John reached the bathroom—and he stopped. Shit. He... hadn't thought this through. _He's never used the men's room before._ He took a few deep breaths. _The door is propped open, John, just go in._

John locked himself in the furthest stall, climbing up onto the toilet tank and pulling his legs up onto the seat. It'd be harder to find him now. Then he let go, and the wave of _everything_ came crashing down on top of him as the dam broke.

Of course. Of course, John would fall in love with the one person who wouldn't like him back—his best friend. Because that was all he was, to Alex. Nothing more. Was John destined to a life of being unwanted? It sure seemed like it.

"Hey, is someone in here?" came a familiar voice from outside the stall, a Southern drawl John knew.

"Hi," John said, sniffling.

There's a pause, and John held his breath.

"Laurens?" Jefferson's surprise was evident in his voice. "What are you doing in here?" _This is the men's,_ was implied in his tone.

"Haven't you heard?" John shifted his weight. "I'm trans. I thought everyone knew."

"Oh. I see. No, I hadn't heard that." The sink turned on, and it sounded like Jefferson was washing his hands.

"You're not...?" John winced, cutting himself off.

"Transphobic?" Jefferson asked. "No, I'm not. I may be an asshole, but there are some lines I can't cross."

"That's... that's a relief." And it was. John took deeper breaths, willing himself to stop crying.

"You okay?" Jefferson's voice was gentler than John had ever heard it.

"Not really." The understatement of the century.

"Do you want to talk about it?" The water turned off.

"I dunno." John opened the stall door, and Thomas was leaning against the wall. He offered John a small, questioning smile, and John, face now mostly dry, offered him a tired one in return.

"Wanna tell me what's wrong? No pressure, of course, I'd get it if you didn't, 'cause I hate your friend." Thomas was oddly nonchalant.

"It's...it's about Alex, actually." John approached the sink.

"Oh?" John wasn't looking, but he could practically hear Thomas' raised eyebrows.

"Yeah. I, uh, I'm kind of in love with him." John sniffed. "And he's not... he doesn't feel the same."

"It's not because you're trans, right?" Thomas' voice had an edge, but John understood it wasn’t directed towards him.

"No."

"Good, because I was ready to knock some sense into him." Thomas smiled at John in the mirror.

"You'd do that for me?" John asked.

"Psh, it's nothing," Thomas said. "I can't stand idiots."

John smiled now, a weak one, but it was genuine. "Thanks."

"For what? Being a decent, moral human person?" Thomas said.

"I guess."

"Is he dating someone else?" Thomas said.

"Yeah. Eliza. And she's, well, _Eliza,_ so clearly I have no chance in hell."

Thomas smiled, almost as though he knew something that John didn't. "Look... What's your name?"

"John?"

"Look, John. When I'm glaring at him and he's not glaring at me... well, I've seen the way he looks at you. Don't give up yet. You've got a chance." Thomas put a hand on John's shoulder, and John didn't flinch for once.

"You know, I think you and Alex are kinda similar." John looked at Thomas, who scoffed. "No, really. You've got the same attitude."

"I don't mind you, Laurens," Thomas said airily, but John knew that was a compliment coming from him.

"You're not so bad yourself." John dried his face the rest of the way.

Thomas threw away the paper towel on his way out of the bathroom, leaving John some time alone to sort through his thoughts before he had to go back to pretending things were fine.

* * *

Alex and John walked home together after French class on Tuesday. At least, they tried to, before they were stopped.

"I mean, come on, I could teach that class better than her!" Alex said, and John laughed. He had no doubt that Alex could teach that class better than their French teacher.

"Hey, Laurens, heard you're a tranny," came the voice of Charles Lee behind them. "That true?"

John tensed, reminding himself this wasn't the place nor time to cry. Alex noticed his distress, whirling around to face Lee.

"What did you say?" he growled at Lee, who sneered.

_"She's_ a fucking tranny—"

Before John knew what was happening, Alex had whirled around to sock Lee in the face. Lee stumbled back, clutching at his nose and staring wide-eyed at Alex. "Say that again, I dare you."

Lee's lip curled. He managed to get a hit in before Alex could react, jumping back out of Alex's reach. "Oh, but I forgot, you're a faggot, aren't you? You're in love with that _thing—"_ Alex, ignoring the blood dripping from his nose, punched Lee in the face again with what was undoubtedly his full force.

"Bigots don't deserve to speak." Lee couldn't even defend himself in between Alex's hits. John wanted to stop watching, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away. It’s like they said, you can’t look away from a train wreck.

"Hamilton!" Thomas dragged Alex away from Lee, and Alex struggled against his grip, teeth bared like a wild animal as he glared at Lee with everything he had. "You’ve done enough. Stop it!"

"Shut up, Jefferson!" Alex hissed. "Let me go! You didn't hear the fucking things he called John—!"

"I did," Thomas said gravely. He made eye contact with John over Alex's head. "You're going to get in so much trouble for this if you don't leave now." Alex relaxed, but his confusion was displayed on his face. "I'll handle this. Take John and get out of here."

"What?" Alex said.

"Let me take care of this. My record is too clean, anyway, and you know that if you get in another fight, you'll probably be expelled." Thomas let Alex go, cracking his knuckles, and Alex, lightheaded, stumbled over to John.

"If you say so..." Alex put a hand on John's back, gently leading him away from the scene and the school both.

Only once Hamilton and Laurens were far away enough did Thomas do what he'd promised. Lee was taken by surprise when Thomas shoved him, hard, sending him sprawling into the concrete.

Thomas' face was cold, and his voice was low, dangerous. "Take back what you said."

Lee shook his head. "She's a fucking tranny. He's a faggot, and so are you. It's just the truth."

"Well, this was your own fault, then."

To the shock of any onlookers who hadn't already fled the scene in fear of getting in trouble for watching, Thomas kicked Lee in the ribs. There was a crack, and Lee groaned, but Thomas didn't hesitate to do it again. And again. And again. Lee coughed up blood. Every time Thomas' foot connected with Lee's torso, Lee cried out, so it didn't take more than two minutes for a teacher to be alerted of the situation.

"What is going on?" Thomas finally, finally stopped, looking over to the teacher who'd spoken. _Oh, good, Mrs. Nelson, the one teacher least likely to be sympathetic._ She took in Lee, on the ground, covered in blood, then Thomas, standing above him, splattered with blood not his own but clearly unharmed. She turned to one of the students watching the fight take place. "Escort Mr. Lee to the nurse, please!" The girl she'd spoken to nodded and without a word helps Lee to his feet. Lee spit blood between Thomas' feet, and Thomas’ lip curls in disgust. "Mr. Jefferson, with me. Principal's office, now!"

Thomas followed Mrs. Nelson through the halls to the principal's office, taking a sort of sick pleasure in the way he tracked blood from his shoes all along the carpet (since she hadn't let him stop in the bathroom to clean up).

"Mr. Jefferson, I heard you attacked another student, is this true?" Ms. Levin, the principal, asked Thomas. Thomas held his head high, despite exactly how much trouble he was about to be in.

"Yes, but—"

"And Mr. Lee wasn't fighting back?" She didn't let him finish. Thomas' biggest pet peeve. He curled his fingers so his nails dug into his palm.

"No, but—"

"So you admit that—"

"Let me finish." He'd run out of patience. "With all due respect, he started it with his words, ma'am. He was being a disgusting bigot and throwing around slurs regarding the LGBTQ+ community, and, as it's well-known that I am one of them, you can understand that I would want to defend a friend." Thomas smiled with his teeth.

Ms. Levin stared at him. Clearly, there weren’t a lot of students that had the gall to interrupt her.

"Suspend me, expel me, go ahead. But all I ask is that you investigate Lee's track record as well, because he's a bully and a bigot, and I don't think you want word getting out that your school tolerates those kinds of people. That _you_ tolerate those kinds of people at your school." Thomas had never seen anyone pale as quickly as Ms. Levin did then.

"Very well. But you are suspended for two weeks." She was sufficiently flustered as Thomas left, and he was satisfied. His work here was done. At least he wasn't expelled—although he suspected his father's reputation had some influence.

* * *

"Jefferson's _suspended!"_ Alex cheered on Wednesday during lunch. "Hey." He stopped a passing girl. "I remember seeing you there yesterday. What happened after we left?"

"Jefferson told Lee to apologize. Lee didn't, and Jefferson pushed Lee to the ground and kicked him until he coughed up blood. Is that it?" Alex nodded, and the girl went on her way.

"What I don't understand," he said after a moment, "is that Jefferson was very clearly doing it to defend John. What does he have to gain? He couldn't have done it out of the goodness of his heart."

"We're sort of... friends," John admitted. Alex stared at him, and he flinched.

"Friends?" he growled.

"Or at the very least casual acquaintances," John amended.

Alex glared at him. "You're _friends_ with Thomas Jefferson? How did that happen?"

John sighed, at his wit's end. "Maybe he found me crying in the bathroom during lunch, listened to me talk, reassured me, and made me feel better."

"Wait, what? Why were you crying in the bathroom?" Alex seemed taken aback, and that was it. John snapped.

"Maybe I was crying because of you!" John shouted. He froze, suddenly aware of the stares of his classmates, he's fucked up, he's _fucked up,_ he has to get out of here—

Lafayette found him on the floor against the wall outside the cafeteria crying. "If you dont mind me asking, when and why were you crying because of Alex in the bathroom at lunch? What did he do?" He cocked his head.

"Earlier this week," John admitted. "I... might have been crying because of Eliza."

Something clicked, and Lafayette's eyes widened. "Ohhhh." He joined John on the floor and started speaking gently. "You were jealous of her," he said, and John nodded miserably, wiping at his nose with the edge of his sleeve. Lafayette laughed mirthlessly. "Look at the pair of us. We have both fallen for someone we cannot have."

John glanced up—he'd been staring at the floor—and blinked. "Wait, what?" He turned to Lafayette. "So you like someone?" That was news to him.

"Oui," Lafayette said, somehow managing to sound both dramatically romantic and melancholy in that single word. (They just do it differently in France.)

"Who?" John wracked his brain. His eyes widened. "Wait, is it Hercules?"

Lafayette looked at his friend a little sadly. "Yes. But he does not want that."

"Have you asked him?" John asked, and Lafayette shook his head, a little puzzled about where this was going. "Then how do you know he doesn't want that?"

"He considers me a brother, he calls me, what is it, he said 'bro.'"

John laughed, and Lafayette looked hurt. "Laf, 'bro' is like... a term of endearment, you know? It's not _just_ a word you use to refer to someone whom you think of as a brother." He wiped his eyes dry. "Just look up 'bromance.'" His eyes twinkled, and Lafayette was mystified.

"That is... relieving, though I know not of this 'bromance.'" Lafayette stood up to his full height, a monumentous 6'2, stretching. "Would you like to go back in now?" He offered a hand to John, and John accepts his assistance, allowing Lafayette to help him to his feet.

"I guess," John said. "But I refuse to talk to him."

"That is alright," Lafayette said. John was relieved Lafayette wasn't pressuring him. "You have reason to be mad at him for being so oblivious and insensitive. Still, you should tell him sometime."

John laughed, as though this was a preposterous suggestion, and Lafayette looked at him a little sadly, an expression come and gone before John looked back at him. "Let's go back in?" Lafayette looped his arm through John's, and they returned to the cafeteria together.

* * *

Eliza woke up, glancing over at the prone body of Alex in bed next to her. Last night had been... something, but she wasn’t sure it was the good kind.

Alex started stirring shortly, and Eliza smiled softly as he opened his eyes.

"Good morning," Eliza said, the hint of a teasing tone in her voice.

"Morning," Alex said, sounding almost awestruck as he remembered last night. He moved closer, kissing Eliza's forehead.

"Alex, we need to talk," she said abruptly.

"Wait, what?" He was so confused, and Eliza wouldn't pretend it wasn't adorable. "About what?"

"Last night was fine, but I don't think it's what you wanted." He frowned, starting to open his mouth. "I don't think I'm the one you want."

"Eliza—" Alex stopped. "I don't understand."

"I think your heart belongs to someone else." She felt around under the covers for her underwear and carefully put it on without looking.

"Who...?" Alex asked, and Eliza knew that while whatever they had wasn't romantic, she was still breaking his heart.

"It's ironic that everyone else knows before you do, huh?" She put on her bra, and, to his credit, Alex didn't look. "I thought it was obvious."

Alex thought for a moment. "John?"

"John." Eliza got to her feet, picking up her shirt from the floor where she'd left it and tugging it over her head. "I love you very much, Alex, but I can't let you date me just so you don't hurt me. It hurts me just as much that you'd date me to protect me because I can handle a little unrequited feelings."

"I know you can," Alex said. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize it would make you feel like that..."

She smiled wryly. "It's alright. Just, we're over. But if our friendship suffers for this, I'm going to hunt you down. So, friends?"

"Friends," Alex replied.

And that was it. Eliza finished getting dressed, she grabbed whatever things she'd left at Alex's apartment, and she left. The next time they’d see each other, they'd be _just friends._ And... that'd be okay.

That didn't mean Eliza didn't cry that night. She did, and her sisters sat by her side until she'd recovered. She gave herself that, and then she folded her feelings up the same way she folded laundry, packing the objects that hurt most in the back of her closet where she couldn't see them. She couldn't afford to be sad, there weren't enough hours in the day. After all, there were chores to be done.

* * *

When John next saw Alex at school, the bags under his eyes were much, much more pronounced than usual, and his glasses were smeared with fingerprints.

"You okay?" John asked. Alex looked up, as though he'd just noticed John, and his eyes looked... dull. Up close, John could see his eyelids were puffy.

"Eliza broke up with me," Alex said, and John stifled the triumph rising in him for favor of sympathy.

"Shit, dude, that sucks," he said, trying to imagine what Alex must be feeling. "You... want a hug?" Alex nodded miserably, and John hugged him for several seconds longer than was socially acceptable, but when he pulled away, Alex seemed a little better.

"She did what?!" Lafayette cried the moment Alex relayed his bad news. His head turned to look at Eliza, across the cafeteria, who looked not nearly as affected by the ordeal as Alex. "Do you want me to talk to her? I will..."

"It's fine, Laf." Alex waved the offer down. "She had a good reason to break up with me, I'm just... overemotional."

"If you're sure..." Lafayette frowned but backed down.

"Is there anything we can do to help?" Hercules asked.

Alex shook his head. "Guys, I'm fine, I just need some time."

Lafayette made eye contact with John, and John made plans to call him after school because a Conversation with Lafayette was inevitable, and it was better to make time for it instead of letting yourself be taken by surprise.

“How are you feeling, John?” Lafayette asked the moment he picked up the phone.

“Me? I’m fine, why?”

Lafayette sighed. “Eliza broke up with Alex. Now, how are you feeling?”

“I’m a little happy about it,” John confessed. No use hiding things. Lafayette would find out. Lafayette always finds out. “And then I feel guilty for feeling happy, and sad for Alex as someone who’s his friend.”

“That doesn’t sound very fun,” Lafayette said.

“It’s not,” John said. “Do you have any idea why she broke up with him?”

“Non, I am just as much in the dark as you are, mon ami.”

“Huh.”

“It won’t do any good wondering,” Lafayette said. “The best thing for you to do right now will be to distract yourself. You’re allowed to feel happy over this, but feeling guilty all the time for feeling happy probably isn’t the best thing to do. So think about something else.”

“That’s a good idea, thanks, Laf,” John said. Lafayette made a satisfied noise in his throat before hanging up, and John took out his sketchbook. Of course, the only thing he could bring himself to draw was Alex, but at the very least it gave him something to do.

* * *

“I don’t know if she’s alright,” Angelica said to Peggy under her breath. “I know she keeps telling us she’s fine, but she hasn’t stopped doing chores all day.”

Peggy frowned. “Has she always been like this? Because I hadn’t noticed.”

Angelica nodded. “She usually hides it much better, so don’t feel bad.” They’re not so different, the two of them. Angelica might have been worrying over Eliza and her dubious coping mechanisms, but didn't Angelica do the same thing? Pretend nothing’s wrong and shove the feelings further down each time they surface?

“There’s gotta be something we can do,” Peggy said. Angelica could hear the frustration in her voice. “I can’t just let her suffer in silence like this.”

Angelica shook her head, and Peggy tilted hers. “I know the best thing to do seems to be to interfere, but we have to let this play out. I promise it wouldn’t do any good to rip her coping mechanisms out of her hands.”

“I guess.” After a moment, Peggy returned to her room, leaving Angelica leaning against the doorframe to watch Eliza clean with worrying fervor.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tws: teenage pregnancy, brief brief discussion of abortion, panic attack
> 
> im a little nervous to post this chapter, but i've had this planned and it's a necessary part of the story so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ oh well

Never had a summer passed so slowly for Eliza as this one. The days were long and hot and seemed to stretch on and on, each one blurring into the next until Eliza had lost all concept of time.

Today, she’d stumbled upon her sisters, sitting on the floor and taking turns braiding each other's hair. Eliza paused, standing in the doorway to watch while she waited for one of them to notice her.

Peggy trailed off, and her eyes drifted, focusing on Eliza. "Oh! Liza! How long have you been standing there?"

"Not long." Eliza moved to join her sisters on the floor. Angelica finished Peggy's braid and started to work on Eliza's. Having someone braid her hair had always been relaxing, and this was no exception. "It's nice to see you two bonding."

"We're your sisters, Liz, of course we're close," Angelica said.

"I actually have something, a small announcement," Eliza said softly. Her hands fidgeted in her lap. "I'm pregnant."

Angelica's hands, carefully braiding Eliza's hair, stalled for a moment before resuming. "I don't think I heard that right, would you mind repeating?" Her voice held a thinly veiled threat, and Eliza thought perhaps she ought to have warned Alex in advance that Angelica would be coming for him.

"I'm pregnant," Eliza said.

"How are you feeling?" Peggy said, taking one of Eliza's hands. Eliza smiled gratefully.

"I'm a little tired, but that might not be anything out of the ordinary."

"We're still in high school," Angelica said.

"I know." She did. She'd thought about it a lot.

"Are you going to keep the baby?" Peggy asked.

"I think so," Eliza said. She was oddly calm about all this, and a part of her thought she ought to be excited, disappointed, angry, _something,_ but… it was trancelike, serene.

"How are you going to be able to take care of it?" Angelica asked, and while she didn't tug at Eliza’s hair, Eliza could hear her growing frustrated. Angelica was overprotective because she cared; as the oldest sister, she thought she had to take care of them all the time, but Eliza sometimes thought she could take care of herself. “You’re going into senior year. You’re going to have a ton of assignments, college applications, stress, and you think you’re going to have time for a baby on top of all that?”

“Angelica.” Eliza’s tone was warning, and Angelica closed her mouth without another word. Eliza looked up at Peggy, and Peggy squeezed her hand. “I want to be a mother. So what if it didn’t come in the way I, or the way society, expects it to be? I’m not going to have an abortion. I want to raise this child.”

Angelica sighed as if she knew this wasn’t a battle she could win. “Okay.” She smiled through her stress. “I trust you. I’m sorry for being overbearing. I think sometimes I forget you’re not little kids anymore. You can make your own decisions, and I should take a step back.”

“Angelica?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you,” Eliza said. “You’ve done a good job taking care of us.”

“Yeah.” Angelica became strangely quiet as she tied off the end of Eliza’s braid, and, sure enough, when Eliza turned to hug her, she was crying. Angelica accepted the hug, arms wrapped tightly around Eliza.

“So, I think I need to pay Alex a visit.” Angelica dried her face. “Someone needs a talking-to.”

“Angie, no,” Eliza said. She knew Angelica was joking (mostly).

“He got my little sister pregnant, in high school.” Angelica’s eyes glowed.

“It wasn’t his fault,” Eliza mumbled.

“Did he use a condom?” Angelica asked.

“I don’t remember,” Eliza said. “I think so, but I’m not sure.”

“Then how do you know it wasn’t his fault?” She had Eliza there. Eliza shrugged.

“Congrats,” Peggy said. “On the, you know, the baby.”

“Thanks, Pegs.” Eliza smiled. She placed one hand on her stomach. It wouldn't start to show for another few weeks, but that didn't stop Eliza from being overjoyed. “I’m going to do the best I can to give this child a good life.”

“I don’t have any doubts about that,” Angelica murmured.

Boy, would Alex be in for a surprise when school started in August.

* * *

On the first day of school, Alex spotted Eliza in the distance. He was busy talking to John, but he’d talk to her later.

Wait, what?

Alex, had to do a double-take. Eliza…

She noticed him looking and waved. He waved back, more than a little dumbfounded, unaware that he’d trailed off in the middle of his sentence.

“Alex? Dude?” John waved a hand in front of his face. “What are you doing?” He followed Alex’s gaze and immediately saw what had gotten Alex so worked up. His forehead creased. “She looks… pregnant.”

“I know,” Alex choked, and John blinked.

Eliza made her way over to them.

“Hey, Alex,” she said once she was close enough to hold a conversation. Her hand rested on her noticeably swollen stomach.

“Hi,” Alex said. Eliza sighed.

“I know what you’re wondering,” she said quietly. “The answer is yes.”

And, well, that might fuck up Alex for the rest of his life.

“I’m sorry.”

Eliza laughed. “Why are you apologizing?”

“Because…” He gestured to her stomach.

“Wait a minute.” John had a figurative lightbulb moment. “You mean…”

“The baby is his,” Eliza supplied helpfully, and John felt his stomach drop. He wanted to vomit, but he forced a smile.

“Congrats, I think.”

“Thanks.” Eliza rubbed her stomach, smiling down at her unborn child.

Alex had never told John why Eliza had broken up with him. The gears in John’s head started to turn. Had she known, all those months ago? But why would she have broken up with Alex if she’d known she was having his baby?

_His baby._

John pretended like he wasn’t sick to his stomach.

Throughout the whole day, Alex seemed far away and distracted. He spoke only when prompted to, and he listened not at all. John had the sinking feeling that maybe Thomas was wrong, he didn't have a chance, after all, Alex had only ever had eyes for Eliza—

Alex pulled John aside after school. They found an empty, quiet hallway.

“You’ve been acting weird today,” Alex said. _And you haven’t?_ John wasn’t bitter, he _wasn't._ He was just… jealous.

“Yeah, so have you.” John crossed his arms.

“Okay, no, seriously, did I do something?” Alex’s eyes were searching, questioning, but John couldn't let himself answer.

“Not directly.”

“Indirectly, then?” John nodded. “What did I do? I want to fix it.”

“Why? It’s nothing, really.” John knew he was being petty, he knew, but he couldn't bring himself to open up.

Alex sighed, running his fingers through his hair, and John stopped himself from taking Alex’s hand just to prevent him from pulling on his hair. “John, I don’t understand why you’re mad at me. Please let me fix it. Fine, you don’t have to tell me what I did, but what _can_ I do?”

“You can tell me you’re not in love with Eliza!”

_Shit._

_Fuck._

He hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

“What?” Alex tilted his head, taking a step toward John, who backed away. “John?” John shook his head. “Is that what this is about? Eliza’s baby?” John didn't speak, but the look in his eyes was as much of an answer as Alex apparently needed. “Either way, I’m going to be the father in name only, she won’t take me back.”

John’s curiosity trumped his stubbornness. “Why not?”

“Because she knows I don’t love her the same way she loves me.”

John did something here, the same thing that had gotten him into this stupid mess in the first place: he hoped. It was just for a second, before he could remind himself to be realistic here—just because Alex didn't love Eliza didn't mean he loved someone else, let alone _John_ of all people. “Could’ve fooled me.” He shrugged, ignoring his quickened pulse.

Alex shook his head. “Did you think I was in love with her?”

“Why would I think otherwise?” John shot back.

“Maybe because I’m in love with you,” Alex said. Then he froze as if he hadn’t meant to say that at all.

“You’re… you’re what?” John said.

“In love with you.” Alex’s cheeks were flushed, but he looked at John, his expression a mix of a dare and a question.

“Oh.” And maybe John was an idiot, maybe Alex had been completely obvious this whole time and he was too stuck in his own head to notice. Or maybe Alex wasn’t as obvious as he thought he'd been.

“Now, why would you be so upset if I was in love with Eliza?” Alex knew exactly what he was doing, and John hated it. “After all, you’re just my best friend, right? Why should it matter who I’m dating, as long as they’re a halfway-decent person?”

Alex’s eyes glinted, a small smirk gracing his lips, and John weighed his options. What did he have to lose? Alex had just told him that he loved John. He should be overjoyed—Alex liked him back. But John wasn’t sure he was brave enough to take that next step. If he didn't make a move, soon Alex would have moved on, and John would have lost his chance.

“So?”

This was it, the moment of truth. John opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He couldn't move, he couldn't speak, and soon enough, he’d start to run out of oxygen. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes, his vision blurred. He fucking hated himself sometimes, and this was why. Eliza had been brave, she’d told Alex how she felt, why on earth couldn't John do the same? He was worthless, and Alex deserved so much better, why would Alex like him of all people—

“John, you’re spiraling,” came Alex’s voice from close to him. “Can you hear me?” John nodded slightly. “Good.” Alex took John’s hand, guiding it to his chest. “Try to match your breathing to mine, okay?” John nodded, focusing on Alex’s breath. In, out. In, out. “Just like that.” He could hear Alex’s relieved smile. In, out. In… out.

“Better?” Alex asked, and John took another deep breath.

“I think so.” He was barely louder than a whisper, but Alex heard him anyway. Alex listened.

“I’m glad.”

John was suddenly made aware that they’re both on the floor. He didn't remember falling to the floor, but then again, he was never aware of his surroundings when he was having a panic attack. Alex still held John’s hand with his own, and he smiled when John looked at him.

“We don’t have to do this today,” Alex said gently. “It’s okay if you like me back—well, more than okay—and it’s okay if you don’t. I promise I won’t be mad if you don’t feel the same way.”

John shook his head. It was probably a good thing he was on the ground because he wasn’t sure he’d be able to stand right now. “I can do this.”

“You sure?”

The concerned way Alex looked at John only served to solidify his resolve. “I like you.”

Alex’s eyebrows lifted ever so slightly, a movement so subtle it would be difficult for anyone else to notice. But he was John, and he’d known Alex for years. “Really?” There was a hint of wonder in his voice. That would seem to imply that he hadn’t been expecting John to feel the same way and that he was happy that John did, which John could hardly wrap his head around.

Someone… wants him?

John found himself in a hug, and he realized he might have spoken aloud. That was embarrassing, but with Alex, it was less so.

“Yes, I want you,” Alex said very close to his ear. “What did you think I meant when I told you I was in love with you?” John hadn’t taken a moment to comprehend what those words from _Alex’s_ mouth meant, but it hit him all at once, and suddenly there was a lump in his throat.

“Oh.”

Alex chuckled, a little sadly. “Are you about to cry?” John couldn't answer. He nodded. "Oh, John." The way Alex lingered on _John,_ drew it out in his mouth as if he enjoyed saying it, quite frankly shouldn't be allowed, if only for the way it made John feel.

Alex held him, kneeling on the ground in this empty hallway until John had stopped crying.

"Thanks." John wiped roughly at his face.

"Hey, don't hurt yourself there." Alex absently lifted his hand to cup John's face, and John, without thinking, leaned into the touch. "Huh. Would you look at that?"

"Shut up," John mumbled. "You're warm. And I'm touch-starved."

"Well, I guess I'll have to fix that, then." Alex's mischievous grin had John wondering how his lips tasted. John habitually shoved away the thought before he stopped— _wait, could he?_

His eyes flicked up to Alex's lips before he could stop himself, and Alex's eyes narrowed slightly.

"What are you looking at?" Alex said, low and teasing.

"Would you kiss me?" John said. He wasn’t all that confident about this—his heart was beating in his throat, and he had butterflies in his stomach—but it was what he wanted.

"You sure?" Alex asked again, and John rolled his eyes. While he appreciated Alex's concern—it was sweet—there were some things he was _sure_ about.

"Yes," John said.

"Well, in that case." In one smooth motion, Alex pulled John onto his lap (and knocks him off his feet at the same time). John stared for a moment at Alex. They'd never been in such close proximity before. He closed his eyes.

When John had said Alex was warm, he hadn't been kidding. He didn't think he'd been that cold, but as Alex's hands rested on his back, he shivered. (Although, on second thought, maybe that wasn't because of the temperature difference.)

Alex tasted like fall.

They drew apart, and John felt pressured to say something. "You remind me of fall," he said, and immediately started mentally kicking himself for it. "Fuck, sorry, that was weird."

"I've said weirder." Alex tucked John's hair behind his ear with a look of intense concentration. "You'd probably be spring."

"What does that mean to you?" John asked.

"I'll tell you, but you have to tell me what you meant about fall, then," Alex said. "You're bright, in a way. Spring is the time of growth and birth when the planet revives itself after a hard winter. You've been through things, but you smile anyway, and what a smile it is. When you laugh, it reminds me of birdsong, and—"

"Okay, enough!" John hid his face in Alex's sweatshirt. "I can’t take any more of that or I'll combust."

"We don't want that."

"No, we don't." John thought for a moment. What could he say? "Okay, so you're fall because… there’s always more under the surface with you. Halloween season and all that, but you’re like the playful trickster demon. Nobody else has a smirk like that. And, uh, sometimes I see the colors of the leaves in your eyes.” That was awful, compared to what Alex had said about him. “Sorry, this is bad.”

“No, I see what you mean,” Alex said thoughtfully. “I’m the one who makes the messes, and you’re the one who cleans up after me.” John rolled his eyes. “What? Am I wrong?”

“I guess not,” John said, lips pursed. He’d signed himself up for this, hadn’t he? He'd known exactly what Alex was like—although not as a boyfriend. Wait… “…are we dating?”

“If you want.” Alex shrugged in a show of nonchalantness, but John knew that Alex wanted this just as badly as he did.

“I do want that,” John said emphatically. “I’d like to be able to call you my boyfriend.” He hadn’t overstepped, right? There was a strange look in Alex’s eyes.

“I’d like that too.” Ah. So Alex had just been emotional.

John stood, brushing off his jeans. Alex got to his feet not long after, taking John’s hand again as if it’d become second nature, and John poorly hid his smile (he wasn't trying too hard).

“We should probably head home before they lock us in,” John said, hiding his disappointment. He’d wanted to spend more time with Alex. His _boyfriend_ Alex.

“You could come over to my house,” Alex suggested hopefully, and the pleading look in his eyes reminded John of a dog begging. It was cute. (By "his house," he meant his parents’ house. He'd gotten an apartment when he turned sixteen, and since then, he'd split his time between the Washingtons' and his apartment.)

“Okay,” John said.

“I mean, my parents have already met you, but I want to, uh, show you off.” Alex winced. “No, sorry, that was a weird way to phrase it, you’re not an object. I want people to know someone so lovely loves me. I guess.” He averted his eyes, and John laughed.

“Don’t worry, I understand.”

“See? You’re perfect!” And this was why John had never questioned whether or not he liked men. He did want to laugh for ever thinking he was “straight,” because that would have meant he was cis, which was just not true at all. He wondered absently whether Alex would still have liked him if he hadn’t transitioned—Alex was bisexual, after all. But he wasn’t going to ask. That would be weird. And personal.

“I’m not perfect,” John started to say, but cut himself off. The way Alex was gazing at him was soft, pure, and John could cry. (But he wouldn't, he’d done enough of that today.) “What’s up?”

“Nothing, sorry,” Alex said. “I just… I love you.”

“I love you too.” John laughed a little. “Let’s just go home.”

“Deal.”

* * *

Despite Alex’s declaration that he wanted to "show John off," upon reaching Alex’s home, the two had gone right to Alex’s room. Laf raised an eyebrow at their held hands as they passed, no doubt planning to talk to Alex about this later.

“What are you going to do about Eliza?” John traced patterns on Alex’s comforter with one finger. He hadn’t forgotten, but he felt better about it now.

“Not sure.” Alex, lying on his back on the bed, stared at the ceiling. John didn't blame him for not knowing what to do. He tried to put himself in Alex’s place, trying to imagine what Alex must be feeling. Conflicted emotions, surely. “I think I want to be a part of the kid’s life.” He sat up, in his eyes a question he didn't speak aloud.

“I mean, it’s your kid, I think that’s reasonable,” John said.

“You wouldn’t mind?”

“Of course not. What kind of person do you take me for?” He set aside the urge to kiss Alex’s forehead for later. “I can’t keep you from that, even if I wanted to, which I don’t. I think you’d make a good father.”

“Really?” Alex’s eyes were wide, his voice a little shy. “You do?”

“Yeah, I do.” John smiled as Alex—overemotional as always, but John wouldn’t have it any other way—frantically tried not to cry, flapping his hands a little.

“I’m fine,” Alex said, not sounding the least bit convincing.

“Okay.”

“No, I’m _fine,”_ Alex insisted, half-glaring John’s way. “I just got a little overwhelmed that you think I’d be a good dad. That’s all.”

“I think you’d be a good dad, because you would be one.” John leaned in close, only to boop Alex’s nose at the last second.

Alex gasped in outrage. “How… _dare_ you.” John laughed, making only a half-hearted attempt to dodge when Alex lunged. He ended up with Alex on top of him, which he found he didn’t mind one bit.

“God, sorry, you’re so beautiful,” Alex said with a breathy laugh, and John honestly thought Alex must be perfect. They did say it a lot, but it felt true to John in that moment.

“Come here, beautiful.” John curled his fingers into Alex’s shirt, and Alex, at a loss for words, allowed John to guide his lips until they meet John’s. Besides, they didn't need words to kiss—finally, something John could be Alex’s equal at, something he could do to help Alex understand the way he made John feel. It was intoxicating.


End file.
